Tomorrow Is Not Promised To Us

Today marks the second anniversary of the death of my mother-n-law. I am thankful to have some of my husband's favorite recipes of his Mom in her handwriting that she wrote in a memo pad for me in 1995. I miss her kindness, gentleness, wisdom, and loving personality. Her stroke came without warning and the mercy of God called her home quickly. My husband mourned her deeply, and I know he still mourns her. She is the reason he is a strong and compassionate man and I thank her for that.

I have the saying "Tomorrow is Not Promised to us" on my mind because I am thinking of the quickness of her death and the quickness of the death of my grandfather who died 28 years ago August. I am also thinking about my on health and the health of my husband. My husband is ill and I understand the emotions he is experiencing right now. I had been there when I was diagnosis with multiple sclerosis. This is not a pity post, this is a post about strength to live today as if there is no tomorrow.

The following is an example of why we should enjoy each day we have with loved ones. I returned home Monday from my family's 35th Family Reunion. On Wednesday a family email was distributed about my first cousin Gwen being in ICU on a ventilator...I could not believe the words that were on that email because I had just load pictures from my camera onto my computer and there was a picture documenting the laughter I shared with Gwen and others Saturday evening. Fortunately, God answer prayers, Gwen was removed from ICU yesterday and it looks as if she will recover.

The point to this post is no matter what we face in life we have to enjoy every day as if it is the last day we have with love ones and friends. Self-pity and depression can push a person to the brink of death. I know from experience that is not the answer, I harnessed my self-pity of living with MS into living with a purpose; I embraced my depression as part of me and take a medication that works for me so I can keep on living. I thank God every day for making me an example for others to see. I think the years of me living with multiple sclerosis prepared me to be strong for my husband and it prepared my husband to realize life is not over. That is why I know my husband is going to be okay once he goes through the cycle of knowing he now has to live life with a chronic depilating illness.

LIVE TODAY AND EVERY DAY AS IF THERE IS NO TOMORROW!

PLEASE HELP...My Daughter Get a Role on GLEE

Please help my baby daughter realize her dream. My baby has a genius IQ and for some reason she always wanted to be an actress. I have to admit she was my dramatic child. However, as a mother I insisted she pursue acting after she graduated college. She graduated Cum Lude from Vanderbilt University in 2007 with a double major in Communication Studies and Managerial Studies . She's interned during her college years with Pfizer Pharmaceuticals. She turned them down for a permanent position when she graduated and has been working for Cumberland Consultants. In the three years she's been with Cumberland, Tara is now a Health Care Managing Consultant.

More importantly, Tara gives back to her community she actively volunteers with several non-profits and participates in various charity marathons and 5K runs. My baby will be 25 years old tomorrow, April 13; she just made the cut off age for Glee by one year. She is the perfect candidate to be one of the three actors Glee is seeking because some people think she is 16 or 18 years old and she is talented.


Glee monologue

Glee MySpace Video


Glee song

Glee MySpace Video

If you thing my daughter has what it takes to be a future GLEEK go give her a Gold Star!

If you have a MySpace account please go and give my daughter a gold star. If you do not have a My Space account please sign up for one and give my daughter a gold star. I did not have a MySpace account, but I created one to vote for my daughter...you can delete the account after you VOTE.

HELP A MOTHER SPREAD THE WORD IN HELPING HER DAUGHTER REACH FOR THE STARS...CLICK HERE TO GO DIRECTELY TO TARA'S AUDITION PAGE.

Thanks,

Blinders Off

Bee Venom Love

I am sure every mother feels their daughters are the best. I know I do, I thank GOD for my jewels. I am thankful that I lived to see myself in my girls; there was a time I did not think I would be around to see them grow up to be the beautiful women they are today. Having them in my life has made it easier to live with this ugly disease called multiple sclerosis.

Everyday is a struggle getting up; everyday is different from the next. During the past two weeks, it took every ounce of energy I had to go on with my day against the pounding punches of PAIN. Many days I wanted to relieve myself from this excruciating pain by putting on a morphine patch.

I wanted it so bad, but I refused to give in because I NEVER want to experience this again. I cannot hide anything from my daughters; they seem to know when I am having a hard time with multiple sclerosis. I opened my email one day and received the following from one of my daughters:

Mom I saw that honeybee venom is a therapy that treats MS pain. I saw this on "Radical Hollywood Remedies" last night and did some research and found this link about it. On the special, it says the honeybee therapy cost $75 a session. I suggest you try this and I will pay for your first session. I suggest this because I truly believe you should try natural remedies to lure yourself off the drugs. It doesn't hurt to try natural procedures since God put them on earth for us to use to heal our bodies to live a longer healthier life. Everyone please let me know all your thoughts on this.

http://health.discovery.com/centers/althealth/beetherapy/bkgsclerosis.html

Then there was this reply email from another daughter:

I think it's an absolutely wonderful idea! I'll try it with you!


I appreciate my daughters looking out for me and wanting to pay for me to have some bee venom because of their love for me, I do not know if I can do this. I am paranoid about trying something new. I know I do not want to go back to wearing morphine patches again and my doctors do not want to prescribe Lortab like they use to...thanks to all the accidental overdosing in the entertainment industry.

I survived this many years living with pain, with God’s help, I will make it some more years. However, I am open to natural pain resources; I am not saying I will never try bee venom as a natural pain remedy. I am old school and I have to get over my paranoia trying new drugs or natural remedies…blame it on my Daddy I get it from him :-)

Why I Walk:

A Mother's Love


PAIN does not begin to describe the physical beatings MS delivers to my mother on a daily basis. PAIN does not begin to describe how MS mentally torments my mother on a daily basis. But HOPE, COMPASSION, L.O.V.E., DETERMINATION, DEDICATION, PERSISTENCE, COURAGE, STRENGTH, HUMILITY, FEARLESSNESS, AWARENESS, and MOTIVATION describe the characteristics she embodies that enable her to reject the condemnation that MS tries to inject in her spirit.

So many times she could have given in to the PAIN, and so many times she has DECIDED to fight - to not let this disease define her. That's the god in her. Her resilient spirit is relentless in its effort to combat the detrimental effects of MS, and she is winning. She is a WINNER. She loved me when I didn't love myself. She cared for me when I couldn't care for myself. She consoled me when I couldn't console myself. She felt my pain when it was too much for me to bear. She protected me when I couldn't protect myself. She is a part of me because she taught me how to be a woman. She taught me how to love. She taught me how to care. She taught me how to be courageous. She's teaching me how to live in victory. She has the victory. I need her. And, if she ever needs me, I'm here. Thank you Mother...for loving me in spite of me. I LOVE YOU.




My daughters and husband walk with me every year for the National MS Society Mid-South Chapter, but this is the first year my daughters did a personal page when they registered to walk...the above was written by my baby girl. I am blessed that my girls and husband give me my flowers while I am living..my heart is smiling.

Do You Believe In Prayers?

Yes, I believe in prayers. I wanted the brother I knew when we were growing up, I prayed for my brother for more years than I care to count.

When I heard the joy in my mothers voice last week say, "M. was over and he looks real good. His face is clear and he has been going to church. He has three suits he wants me to take in for him." I felt her smiling as we talked on the phone, I knew then she believed he was clean and sober. She was apprehensive when I told her several months ago, he has not been using going on a year and he was getting his life together. After several times of not completing rehab, I understood her apprehension, but it was a happy moment to hear her believe in my brother again.

The day my brother was about to end his life, he called me. That day is etched in my brain for eternity. My husband and I was on a date night, we were driving to spend the night in Tunica, MS. A call interrupted the music coming from the radio, I did recognize the number and I could not understand the caller in the beginning. The caller was crying hysterical, after about of minute of trying to understand what the caller was saying, my heart stopped. I recognized the voice; it was my brother “M”.

My thoughts were racing, was he was hurt, why is he calling me I live in another state. My thoughts were interrupted when I heard him say, “I am sick of living worst than a dog, Shelly lives better than me (Shelly is my dog), I am going to kill myself”. I knew with every fiber in my body he meant what he just said. I stopped the call from coming over the radio and held the phone to my ear and said, “You don’t have to live like you are living…you can change your life “M”, I will help you, we all will help you”.

After I said that, I let him get it all out. I did not judge him; I just listened to his pain. Once he stopped talking, I repeated what I said earlier and I told him, "I would start the ball rolling from my end to help him get his life together." I was relieved because I felt in my heart he believed me, he was calmer when we ended our call. I called my older sister and told her about what just happened. I advice her on what I was going to do, but she would have to take over because I do not live in that state anymore. She agreed to handle everything once I found a program for my brother.

To make a long story short, I immediately found a program that could help my brother in the state he lives in and a place to live, my sister made sure he kept all appointments by driving him there herself. No one believed my brother was going to change his life, but no one heard the desperation in his voice when he called me the night he wanted to end it all.

When we pray we cannot expect miracles to happen right away. I had been praying for my brother to stop using drugs for over twenty years. My prayers were answered the day my brother called me for help. He has been clean and sober for nine months and I pray everyday he stays that way.

PS

My brother will be 48 years old next week and been on drugs for many years. No matter what one may think reading this post. I am proud of fact my brother did not bring a child in this world and committed crimes to support his habit. The only person he hurt in the years he been doing drugs is himself. That says a lot about him as a person.

Wow It's Been 26 Years

One beautiful daughter

One beautiful day

Another reason to be so proud of the person you are, to be thankful for all the happiness your bring to our lives.

Another chance to say how much you mean, how much you'll always be loved.

Opened My Doors To Help...They Ended Up Helping Me

Shelly enjoyed all the extra LOVE and they wanted to take her back, but she was not having that...she immediately jumped out the trailer after the picture was taken.

My household went from two adults and a dog to a household of ten people and a dog (Shelly). My brother and sister in law with their 22-year-old adult son and three teenagers ages 17, 16, and 15, an adult niece and her ten-year-old son rounded out the evacuees living in my house for what I thought would be three to five days, but turned out to be eleven days.

Many of my friends and other family members thought I would be pulling my hair out having so many people in my house. I have to admit I wondered if I could handle it after they all arrived. Truth is I enjoyed every one of the eleven days my evacuees were here. Having them here and making sure they were comfortable did more for me than they know.

What my family, friends, associates, and blogging community did not know was for over a year, I have been silently suffering from anxiety and panic attacks every morning when I wake up to an empty house. I fight the attacks all day off and on and do not completely relax until my husband arrive home from work. Everyday I was tempted to call my husband, daughter, friend, or anyone when I was battling the anxiety and panic building in my body. The attacks started after the third time I had a serious medical problem and I was home alone with Shelly.

I allowed fear to engulf me when I am alone at home or driving it altered how I go about my day. I once tried taking medication and I prayed often-begging God to take away that dreadful feeling. The attacks are not as severe from when they first started, but they are scary nonetheless. After receiving the phone call from my family asking to come here to escape Hurricane Ike, I immediately dismissed my fear of having the attacks. I prayed asking God to help me keep it in control because the last thing my family needed was to worry about me, when they could possibly lose everything when Ike hit their city.

I am happy to say the entire time my evacuees (which is what I fondly call them) were here, they never seen me have an anxiety or panic attack. To ease the anxiety they were feeling wondering about the damage Hurricane Ike was doing. I made it a point to have their stay with me and mine feel like a vacation.




They had the opportunity to see what could be the last time Goat Day’s would be an event in my city.




They had the opportunity to enjoy the last Mid South Fair held in Memphis.

They went to the movies, park, and mall.

They went to Tunica

They went to Beale Street


As they were packing up to leave, it felt good knowing I accomplished what I set out to do when they said, "We felt like we were on vaction instead of evacuees. The people we been talking to who are stuck in hotels, shelters or stayed at home are jealous. Our house is the bed and breakfast, ES house is the home away from home, your house is the evacuee house."

I replied, "No, my house was your home away from home, but I will accept the title house for the evacuees. Adding, if I were you all I would not talk too much about the good time here because other family member will try to beat you here if there is another evacuation, but you all have first call since we survived eleven days together under one roof. It has been years since I had teenager in the house and I enjoyed every minute of it. Had your children been bad @ss kids…I would have shown you all the door on day one."

When they pulled off and I returned to the house I had a beautiful gift, card, and a check thanking me for the hospitality.

What they do not realize is by coming here to escape Ike they helped me..my anxiety and panic attacks are few and far between since they left and for that reason, I am grateful that Hurricane Ike sent them here to seek refuge. Their homes did not suffer major damage and they are back to their daily routine.

Regardless, at the end of the day…there is no place like home and having your house back :)

Solu-Medrol to the Rescue

I believe MS is a jealous disease. Remember when my body felt split in half, eventually my right side was slowing mending back to my left, but it still feel different from my left side, just not as intense from when I first talked about it. Two weeks ago, the right side of my head down through my neck and slightly below my right shoulder was becoming more painful than the other part of my right side. In the beginning I brushed it off thinking maybe I slept wrong, but as the days went by the pain intensified to the point, I could not move my head.

Still not wanting to believe it was an exacerbation creeping up on me. I start taking my Lortab for the pain and Zanaflex for the spasticity. I thought I had it under control because the drugs were working. I continued with my life attending the candidate I support for Mayor meetings and rallies. With the holiday, approaching I was ecstatic that my youngest daughter was coming home and I would have all my girls home for the holiday. I start preparing all of their favorite foods and while I was at it, I cooked collard greens and pinto beans to freeze for later use.

Nothing was going to stop me from enjoying my girls and grandson Labor Day weekend; it has been since July, that all of my girls were in one room. I was overjoyed of having my family together, that is when I realized MS is a jealous disease, my pain and spasticity that Lortab and Zanaflex had in control was being overpowered. I was no longer getting relief from the drugs. I put on a brave face and enjoyed my family; I REFUSED to lie in bed during their visit because of how I was feeling. I am paying the price now for not giving in to symptoms of MS that tried to take my joy away. Had I given in to MS I know I would have become depressed. Exacerbations had robbed me of many fun times with my family that put me in a depress state of mind. After my last bout of depression, I developed an attitude of fight or die and I am not dying anytime soon.

When I woke up Sunday morning, I could not walk; the pain and spasticity in my head went into my upper right hip. MS was showing me it could take me down no matter how hard I was fighting. The drugs were no longer helping the pain; I was wishing I never stopped taking morphine. I finally waved the white flag and called my neurologist, I need reinforcement. This MS exacerbation was not going anywhere soon. I no longer could move my head, or walk without the use of my cane, and the pain was too intense.

Solu-Medrol to the rescue, today is the first day of three 1000mg of steroids. (I am hoping for that high energy euphoria feeling this time around. The last time I had steroids I was one angry agitated witch.) Symptoms of MS did not win this go round...

I WON this battle because I enjoyed my family the holiday weekend.

Split In Half

Daughter: “Mom are you okay.”

Me: “Yes, I am okay why you ask.”

Daughter: “You do not look well and you are walking funny.”

Me: “To be honest, I feel as if I am split in half.” “I have been trying to ignore I am having problems with my right leg, but now the entire right side of my body feels different from my left.”
My daughter looks at me very hard then she says, “You know the right side of your face does look weaker than the left.” I gasp, “You are kidding me” with a straight face she said, “No I am not, that is why I asked if you are okay because you looked off to me today and you are moving around the house like you are okay, but I can tell you are not. Sit down and tell me what needs to be done, I will take care of it.”

A relief came over me because I could now tell my family how I have been feeling since we been home from Texas. I been going acting like all is well, but deep down I knew my body was going through changes. I came home from Texas anxious to get back to blogging and visiting my virtual MS blogging buddies site and my other favorite non MS blog sites that I push what was going on with my body out of my mind.

When I was in Texas during the first two weeks in July, I blamed Texas HEAT and HUMIDITY on the new affliction my body was experiencing. Not only did I have to deal with a summer cold that flared my MS, I quietly suffered with a debilitating pain that hit me in on my right side. When I would step on my right leg, a lightening bolt pain would hit me directly in the small of my back on the right side and forcibly radiate down my right leg that knocked me off balance. I could not walk, I tried to take a step again and the same thing happened. Instead of alarming my family I tearfully went to bed and prayed to God, “Please do not let MS rob me of my mobility NOW, not NOW with all that is going on with “E” he would not be able to handle this NOW. I am aware of what MS can take from me, but this is not the time. Please take what is afflicting my body right now away and while you are at it take this cold with you.”

I could not reveal what was happening to me because my family was grieving the lost of Moma Nora. I was able to hide what was happening because everyone already knew I was feeling bad from my summer cold. Fortunately, my prayer was answered the temporary lost of the use of my right leg was brief. I was happy to leave the Texas HEAT and HUMIDTY behind, but a heat wave was waiting for me when we returned to Tennessee. My summer cold and MS flare was better when I returned home and I did not experience that new affliction I experienced in Texas. I thought to myself, “It must have been the heat that caused the right side of my body to do what it did in Texas.”

Sadly, that was not the case. I cannot get angry that the new affliction my body was feeling returned because at the end of the day my prayer was answered God took it away while I was in Texas. I tried to go about my day by ignoring how painful and weak the right side of my body felt. I literally felt like two people and I still feel that way as I type this blog post. The left side of my body feels normal, I cannot say the same for my right side...imagine this:

On the right side of my body I have a headache, my eye feels lazy, my arm have a lightning bolt pain striking me above my elbow, and my back have radiating pain shooting through it. My hip has a standing sharp pain in the joint that connects my hip and leg bone, and to make matters worse, my leg feels numb as if it is being weighed down by a ton of bricks.

I start feeling this way on the third day upon my returned from Texas, I thought if I was still wearing the Fentanyl patch I probably would not be feeling none of this. That is what I LOVED about the Fentanyl patch, I did not felt ANYTHING, and I was PAIN FREE. I have been tempted to call my doctor for a prescription, but instead I have been taking Lortab 10mg to get some relief from the pain when I could no longer tolerate it.

If the networks ever have a game show on who could tolerate pain the longest before taking something for it I would probably win.

I went to see my neurologist yesterday and I am scheduled to have a MRI Tuesday of my C-Spine and T-Spine to check and see if I developed lesions on the spine. I am optimistic that my MRI will be negative and I am mentally prepared to accept the worse case scenario.

I am holding on to the belief it is the HEAT that is causing my body to temporarily split in half and the two sides will unite in harmony once this heat wave is over.

Nana's Little Man ...Potty Trained :)

His Mom is not the only one PROUD of him

F@CK THAT!

My second appointment from my numerous appointments during the first week of May was to my neurologist. I went in to start the process to take Tysabri as my new treatment to slow the progression of multiple sclerosis. I must admit, I was becoming apprehensive again after reading the paper work I had to sign. I did not feel too comfortable knowing I had to enroll in a special program called the TOUCH Prescribing Program and the company will collect information about my health at regular periods.

I continued the process because at this point I did not care because all I cared about at the time was not being injected with a needle everyday. I knew the risk of taking Tysabri and I explained it to my husband. I thought he understood the risk I was taking when I told him I was going to choose Tysabri as my next treatment. He finally read the Tysabri Patient Medication Guide I brought home from my appointment early this morning and after reading the following:

> TYSABRI increases your chance of getting a rare brain infection that causes death or severe disability. This infection is called progressive multifocal leukoencephalopathy (PML). PML usually happens in people with weakened immune systems.

> No one can predict who will get PML.

> There is no known treatment, prevention, or cure for PML.

> Your chance of getting PML may be higher if you are also being treated with other medicines that can weaken your immune system, including other MS treatments.

> Even if you use TYSABRI alone to treat your MS, it is not known if your chance of getting PML will be lower. It is also no known if treatment for a long period of time with TYSABRI can increase your chance of getting PML.

> TYSABRI is available only through a restricted distribution program called the TOUCH Prescribing Program. In order to receive TYSABRI, you must talk to your doctor and understand the benefits and risk of TYSABRI and agree to all of the instructions in the TOUCH Prescribing Program.

> If you take Tysabri, it is important that you call your doctor right away if you get any new or worsening medical problems (such as a new or sudden change in your thinking, eyesight, balance, or strength or other problems) that have lasted over several days. Tell all of your doctors that you are getting treatment with Tysabri.

Also, see "What are the possible side effects with TYSABRI?" for other serious side effects with TYSABRI.

My husband immediate response was, "F@CK THAT! I am NOT with this...This should not be on the market from what I just read. You would be nothing but a guinea pig and I am not with this."

I replied, "I thought you understood me taking TYSABRI would be risky because I DID NOT want to inject myself anymore and TYSABRI was a once a month infusion."

Husband, "I am still not with this and you are not living alone with MS. I am living with it everyday too. I don't want you taking this, is there something else."

Me, "There are two other treatments I can take, but they are injections and I am shell shock over taking injections".

Husband, "Well...I told you how I feel."

I am not alone living with MS and I must consider how my husband feels about the treatments I take to slow the progression of MS. If I continue the process to take TYSABRI and go for my first infusion I would be putting unnecessary stress on my husband. I did put my fear away about TYSABRI, but TYSABRI is not worth taking if it will worry my husband the entire time I am on it. My love, respect, and devotion to my husband is more important to me than to take a treatment that is riskier than the other two treatments available. If I was able to get over the fear of PML, I can get over my fear of injecting myself again. I will be calling my neurologist Monday to stop the insurance process for TYSABRI and let her decide which injectable treatment she recommend I take between Betaseron and Rebif.

***UPDATE***

After writing this post saying, I will call my doctor Monday to stop the procedure for insurance approval. I decided not to do that because I have come to terms with finding out how Tysabri works for me. If I personally do not think, it is for me after four infusions I plan to discontinue Tysabri as my DMD. I respect my husband opinion, but every medication we put into our body have some sort of side effects. None of us knows what the future holds.

A Wonderful Weekend with My Men

It was wonderful to enjoy my better half birthday this year feeling no fatigue, tingles, spasticity, and pain. This was the first year in a long time I was able to enjoy an entire weekend free from those bothersome symptoms. Spasticity is returning in my legs, but I am still happy because I had a symptom free weekend and this is a perfect time to take a Tizanidine tablet before it gets to bad.





Remember the brother I was afraid for, look at him now. He is off the hard drugs and the streets. I had the best weekend with him. We caught up on friends we grew up with and talked about the ones who died or been killed. I told him it was good to have him back, but his brain has been fried because he argued I was older than he was…he did not believe me until I showed him my birth certificate. I never talked about my other brother (in black), but he is the one he had two open-heart surgeries before the age of 40. I received one of those 3 o’clock am calls when he had to have an emergency second heart surgery. My husband droved as fast as he could from Tennessee to Missouri because it was highly likely he would not survive through surgery. They literally had to remove his heart and he has the biggest heart in the world. We made it to the hospital as he was getting out of surgery. The mental picture of seeing him hooked to all those machines still give me nightmares because I was going to loose my big brother.





God is good because my brother survived to see his talented sons make it to manhood and witness their dreams come true. My oldest nephew graduated today with a degree in Mass Communication and he received the phone call he wanted to hear his entire life today. The Buffalo Bills signed him as a free agent for their team, now he has the opportunity to show his talent and skills to a pro league. Where has the years gone, it seems like just yesterday when I use to see him play in the football pee wee leagues. When I watch him, play in college I prayed this day would come for him because he has been dedicated to football since the age of six.

His brother is just as talented, he love football as much as his brother, but he also has talent in wrestling and baseball. I asked him this weekend which sport he plan to pursue professional and he announced he wants to play professional baseball. I have no doubt he will achieve his dream because I have witness the dedication he and his brother displayed in their sport and books.


I could not be happier because I had a wonderful weekend with some of my favorite men and knowing prayers are answered.

He Is One Reason Why I Fight MS

The other day is not the first time I had a horrific experience with medication I have taken to slow the progression of multiple sclerosis and I am sure it will not be the last. To see my grandson smile make me want to fight to be around as long as I can for him and my family.

There comes a time when I and I alone must make difficult decisions about my healthcare. Only people who live with this unpredictable illness can no what I am going through. Living with multiple sclerosis is not a cakewalk and it is a daily struggle to stay positive and navigate your life living with MS. I am not going to lie, it is a daily fight for me, but I am thankful that I have an inner strength that picks me back up to fight and not give in to MS.


My neurologist decided I should start Betaseron as soon as possible to slow the progression of MS. I understand as a doctor why she wants me to immediately continue a treatment. At the end of the day the decision has to be mine, therefore, I told my doctor, “After my terrifying experience the other day, I do not want to take anything right now. Yes, I know MS can cause serious problems if left untreated, but I have had serious problems treating it, so what is the difference".

I have decided to go without treatment to slow the progression of multiple sclerosis for now. I AM NOT QUITTING MY FIGHT WITH MS; I need to do this for me right now. In my heart, I know that my body cannot take another terrifying episode while on treatment.

There are risks in all of the DMD's available to slow the progression of MS. I plan to go without treatment until my MRI starts showing new activity of brain lesions or if I start having too many exacerbations. I hope that I can go a long while before any new changes. When the time come for me to go back on a treatment, I believe I will try Tysabri because it is a once a month infusion instead of weekly injections. I have had all I can take from injections.

Farewell Copaxone you have been kind to me; for the last several years you did stabilized my brain lesions, but my body can no longer tolerate you.

Whew, I completed the 2008 MS Walk

This year walk was fantastic…I did not let the pain I was feeling in my right leg STOP me from walking. I mustered all the energy I could retrieve, put on a smile and walked with my family, friends, and Melrose High School JROTC student volunteers, lead by 1st Sgt and my husband.

Words could not express who it felt to have all of them joining the movement because of me. I also humbly appreciate all the monetary donations made on my behalf to further research for a cure, educate the public, support for people and their family that live with ms, and most of all to be there for those who are newly diagnosis.

I will never forget the support I felt when I contacted the National Multiple Sclerosis Society when I was newly diagnosis, the “Knowledge is Power” series helped me to accept and learn how to live with MS. My commitment is to support anyone living with MS or a family member who needs to talk to someone that lived with the many challenges MS throw our way. ..I am just an email or comment away. :)





















I made it as an Elite Member again this year! This year Elite shirt is shaarrp; it is cold black with the words "Join The Movement" tastefully printed across the front in white. The back of the shirt has MS printed in gray with a white slash and National Multiple Sclerosis Society Mid South Chapter printed below in white.




This picture is special to me because it is of all the people that join the movement on my behalf and it was wonderful to see the students (in orange shirts) for the first time in their lives to visit Shelby Farms (there are actual buffalos there). Many of them express to me their joy of participating and having the chance to meet so many people from different backgrounds. One actually said, "It was nice to witness an area outside of my community where I hear nothing, but gunshots. I now understand what your husband speeches are about when we are in class. I want what he talks about in class and I plan to work hard to achieve it. I feel our school has been bless when he transferred here last year."

Home Alone

Obviously, I did not go to Texas with my husband and daughter Sunday. I been experience numbness and weakness in my hands, I noticed it when I was preparing a feast for Thanksgiving. I tried ignoring it because I thought it would go away. I can no longer keep ignoring what I have been feeling because I experienced a new symptom that frightens me.

I had already told my husband I would not be going to Texas; I let him believe it was because I was upset with him. Which is wrong of me, but what the hell? I was upset with my Baby Girl because after putting my pride and stubbornness to the side and calling her to tell her I was sorry. She did not come home that morning. To be honest it bothered me, she did not come home until late that evening. I expected her to tell me she was sorry for her part of the argument and she did not after that, I shut down and decided I would give her what she want. I had nothing more to say to her and I do not know when I will.

My husband did not make things better when before my daughter came home, he said something I did not like, in all fairness to him. He did come to me and said let us start over, but I was already upset with my daughter and I was not ready to start over with him.

Hopefully, this new reaction I experience was because I was upset. Stress is a bit** it wakes up crap in your body and I try to keep my stress down. Although, I consciously felt I was not bothered by my daughter’s actions, subconsciously I must have been. When my nerves start trembling, I did not say a word. I did not say anything because I did not want to interrupt my husband trip (I was no longer mad with) and I did not want to be the reason he did not see his Mother (which I know is very important to him).

When I went to bed the nerve tremors on my left side was hard to ignore. I did not think anything of it because with my multiple sclerosis my nerves tremor mildly through out my body every now and then. As I said at first, it was mild, but gradually my entire left side started tremoring violently. It was so violent the entire bed was shaking. My mind start racing wondering what was happening. The violent shaking stopped after five minutes, but that five minutes felt like an eternity. My next appoint to my neurologist is not until February, but she gets in my a** when I do not tell her of noticeable changes. It is time to call because my noticeable changes have been headaches that caused dizziness and lost of balance, hand numbness and weakness, now violent nerve tremors. I bet a silver time my neurologist is going to schedule a Solu-Medrol infusion; I hope it will be for one day instead of three.

I am going to be optimistic about the violent nerve tremors, that probably happened because of the argument I had with my daughter and it was our first. My daughters are very respectable and I my feelings are hurt that my Baby Girl took her frustration of breaking up with her boyfriend off on me. The one thing I will not apologize saying to her is, “If you are broken up with someone, you cannot be dating. Because if you do date him now and then you are not broken up, you are just playing with yourself”.

I do not sugar coat LIFE with my children, I have always told them how it is because no one loves them as I do and I have no reason to lie to them. I know she is hurting from leaving her first love, but like I told her she is young and she will definitely fall in love again. A young man I know who likes my daughter afar, emailed me recently and ask me if she was still seeing the young man she met in college. I emailed him back and told him no, I want to share a portion of what he emailed back when I told him she was single. I probably should forward the email to my daughter maybe it will help her realize she will fall in love again.


The email referencing my Baby Girl...

So as not to bore you with more law school talk, I must say that I'm relieved that you weren't offended when I asked you about T***. I know that mothers can be very protective of their children. I do have to admit that I've been interested in her, particularly when you informed me that she was socially-conscious and had an activist streak in her. To any man who's also conscious, single, and ambitious, her qualities would stand out. And I'm not brown-nosing when I say that I could tell she had your spunk and passion when I saw how she got involved with various issues at Vanderbilt. And lovely too? Beautiful inside and out? What a combination. The bad part was that she wasn't single.

I haven't cyber-chatted with your "triple-threat" (T***) since long before the last time I corresponded with you, so I have no idea what's going on in her world. Anyway, let me not digress any further. She's a gem; that's undeniable. She probably deserves the best; I'd supply nothing less. But, unless I'm missing something, I don't think that she's looked at me in that way. Sometimes there are women who see later what they couldn't see sooner. Sometimes there are women whose preferences change as their priorities change (in life and in time). Sometimes it's greater later. Said Bill Withers: "Good things come to those who wait, but not to those who wait too late." I'm sure you understand. If I weren't knee-deep in law school preparations and plans, I'd probably email your Baby Girl.

Winning takes a plan and a strategy, along with many intangibles. No one can win for me but me, just like no one can get someone else into Heaven. If I might quote author Claud Anderson, we all have our own row to hoe, our own trail to blaze, and our own path to find. It would be one of life's uncanny ironies if my and Tara's paths crossed that way, but of course, the true question is whether the two ships intersect at parallel lines or at perpendicular lines. (Remember that from Math class?) If those lines are perpendicular, then those two ships will meet by coming from different paths and then will diverge because they're on different courses. If those lines are parallel, then that means that the two ships somehow meet while coming from similar paths but continue on, beside one another, while charting the same course forward. But again, no matter what the lookout sees, "It takes two to make a thing go right. It takes two to make it out of sight." If it's meant to be, it will be.

To me, she would be gold.
Her rarity - exemplary - unfolds.
The look of her lash, the purity of her pupils,
Cheeks that know no tear.
The luster of the eye, that innermost ambition,
Her driving force - no fear.
Whether in wind or in water, in humidity or heat,
Each day would be blessing, refreshing, unique.
Every blue moon, yes, dare there's a frown.
Heart's temperature up, up, then down.
But never, never long enough for her sweet smile to drown.
To hold her is bliss, so kind, the first kiss.
To acknowledge this not, is foolish, remiss.
Her energy, frenetic,
Her virtue, a wonder.
What D**** joined together,
May none put asunder.



Anyway, anyway, anyway...

Maybe you liked that poem, maybe you didn't. It was all in the spirit of fun (with a hint of seriousness).

Home For Christmas

This was the first Christmas I was home in seven years with my children and my grandchildren since they were born two years ago. My husband and I normally go to Texas to be with his Mother. His Mother is up in age and when he has time off work, he makes it a point to go visit her.

You have to love a man who loves his Mother and I definitely love mine. Not being home for Christmas with our children and more than ever since the grandchildren were born in 2005 had me torn. I was pleasantly surprised and pleased he decided we would start going after Christmas to visit with his Mom.

Words cannot express the happiness I felt being home for Christmas with my children and grandchildren after missing the last seven years. Although I enjoyed going to Texas, Christmas was not the same having them come over to our home before Christmas Eve to receive their gifts.

Our oldest daughter started her own tradition the year her son was born. Christmas Eve is at her home, family and close friends bring a dish to compliment her main dish and we exchanged and opened gifts there. I must have been very good because they spoiled ME this year.

Multiple Sclerosis reared its head, my body was in piercing pain, but I refused to acknowledge it. The joy of being with MY family this Christmas was worth putting off taking Lortab for the break through pain I was experiencing.

The highlight of my evening was when my grandson ran through the house hollering, “Uncle EJ, Uncle EJ, come here”. He grabbed him by the hand and pulled him in the direction he came flying out of, as I watch this I was wondering what was on fire. I looked over to my right and saw my grand daughter standing down the hall with a very out of the ordinary look on her face. I started to get up and access the problem myself, but I decided it was best I leave that alone because my grandson went to get her father and I was hurting to bad to get up.

When he approached, he took her by the hand and walked towards the bathroom. It did not take long to see what the fire was. My grand daughter tried to make it the bathroom by herself. Her pull up was full of the brown stuff. Thank God, I did not get up. He had to clean up a big mess and give her a bath. She tried and you have to give her credit. After witnessing his cousin dilemma, that grandson of mine can no longer get away with not letting someone know when Buster is ready to come.

I spent Christmas Day getting my pain back to a tolerable level. However, it was a wonderful Christmas for me. I hope Christmas was joyful and wonderful for those of you who read this post.

Wedding Pictures

Bride Getting Ready To Walk Down The Aisle

The Best Medicine

After all that cooking this weekend, I had a hard time getting up and moving about. Thankfully, I already baked my pineapple upside down cake for dessert. I put on a new Duragesic patch and in a matter of minutes I felt doped. I felt like I was floating and out of body it scared me. The last time I felt that doped up was when I was on a higher micro gram of morphine. I was alarmed to feel that way immediately on such a low dosage.

I hate feeling doped because I am not in control and I flashback to when I had a toxic reaction to methrotrexate. My breathing became a little shallow and my instinct was to take the patch off. I didn’t want to take the patch off because the pain in my legs dissipated. I played devils advocate and told myself no matter what if my breathing and doped up feeling didn’t go away within two hours I was going to remove the patch.
I drifted off to sleep and I thought I heard voices over me, when I open one eye my little man said, “Hi Nana” with the biggest smile and jumped on the bed and gave me a big hug. My daughters asked if I was okay because I was in bed, I didn’t want to worry them and told them I was fine, dinner was ready and I will be down in a minute. This Sunday was very special to me because all my girls and my favorite little man was over visiting. It’s been awhile since all of them were home together.

I knew I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be in the kitchen to cook Sunday’s dinner. Thankfully, I prepared so much food the prior two days I didn’t have to. I had some turkey legs I smoked in the freezer. I defrost my smoke turkey legs and cut the meat off the bones and made a light gravy and poured it over the legs and threw them in the oven. I took a container of pinto beans, chicken/sausage gumbo, and green beans out and placed them on top of the stove to heat. Made a pot of rice in my rice cooker and walked away. The only item I had to prepare was a pan of cornbread and my dinner was complete for Sunday without breaking a sweat or stumbling around.

LOVE is the BEST medicine around!

I Don't Think I Could Go On If Something Happens To One Of Them

A parent worst nightmare is receiving a phone call in the early morning or late night. My two oldest daughters were in separate car accidents. The first accident was in the first week of September, the second one was this past Thursday. My heart dropped each time I received that dreaded phone call and to hear your grandson over the phone crying Mommy my head hurt have you imagining the worst.

I THANK GOD my daughters and grandson did not suffer serious injuries. I never want to know what its like to loose a child before I leave this earth.

The Devastation Crack Cocaine Caused In My Life

My sister called early this morning and told me our brother Michael was beaten by drug dealers again. My first response "Did the beat him like the last time, when he was beaten nearly to death in the summer of 2005." When that happened we thought he would realize he have a problem and seriously go back into rehab to get some help when we found out he would survive. Thankfully, He was not beaten as he was in 2005 and I breathed a sigh of relief. We also talked about how each of us prepared ourselves knowing our brother will die by the hands of drug dealers. I told her how I have a twinge in the pit of my stomach that this summer will probably be the year we will be attending his funeral; she sadly told me she felt the same way.

After I hung up the phone with my sister, I thought about the destruction of Crack Cocaine . How it not only destroys the addict, the collateral damage of crack cocaine is the suffering of the addict’s family. Crack cocaine destroyed my brother when it hit the streets of St. Louis in the early 80’s. Unless, crack cocaine affected someone in your family you can only imagine the destruction and drama a family endure. It is a slow cancer sucking the life out of the family you once known before crack cocaine. It is not like in the movies where there is a happy conclusion; it's like living the movie Ground Hog Day only it’s a horrible nightmare that wakes you in the middle of the night drench in sweat and breathing hard because of the dreams you have about your brother. Only to realize the nightmare is the reality of my brother's destiny.

I can only imagine how my father felt that day my brother called him and begged him to pay $500.00 to his dealer or he was a dead man by the end of the next day. I will never forget that sound of fear and pain in my father's voice when he called and told me, "I had to pay the money because I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't pay and they kill him".

I can only imagine how my mother felt that day when she was too afraid to let him into her house and sent him away without opening the door. I will also never forget the sadness in her voice when she said, "I was afraid to let him in the house because I was alone and didn't know what he will do in his present state of mind". The sadness in her voice was joined by pain and hurt when she told me her final words to him that night without opening the door was, ""M", Go away".

I do not have to imagine how I felt and feel as a sister when I stopped enabling him. Bailing him out of jail and giving him money was an enabler for him to continue his lifestyle…I had no choice but to stop giving in to him. I feel as if crack is killing me because I had to watch, I am still watching after nearly 20 years, how crack cocaine is slowly killing my brother, and I live daily with the knowledge, one day a dope dealer will beat my brother to death or shoot him dead. I constantly have to tell myself I should not feel guilty for deciding not to enable him with money, money that I know he would use and buy dope. I know there is nothing I could do to help my brother until he wants to help himself. He does not believe he is a junkie and he believes we are the ones with a problem.

I miss the laughter and fun we use to have when we were younger. No matter how much I try to convince myself I have prepared myself when it comes to my brother, I have a hurt in my heart that is aching terribly because there is nothing I can do to prevent what I feel and know will happen to him if he do not admit his addiction to crack cocaine. All I can do is continue praying God hear my prayer to grant mercy to my brother and not let him suffer anymore, in due time I will know how my prayer was answered.